At the start of March, as we approached Alexa’s birth date, I couldn’t stop thinking of her. She would have been 6. Some nights I couldn’t sleep. There were a lot of what ifs and if onlys and I wonders. I cried and I prayed and I cried some more.
That is grief, isn’t it? Sometimes you are totally fine, and sometimes it hits you all over again, as though it just happened yesterday.
But as time goes by, the pain really does become more manageable.
A friend of mine recently sent me the message above. I always have mixed feelings when I hear from my book readers. On one hand, I am glad and grateful that my story has helped them. On another, I am incredibly sad to hear of their loss.
Writing this book was not an easy process. Within the first year of Alexa’s passing, my blog posts about her and my grief went viral, and many found solace in my journey. That was when I knew in my heart that I needed to write this book.
However, soon after that, I was blessed with Amy, and it became increasingly difficult to open up old wounds again. So I put off writing, again and again and again.
Until three years later.
I remember that moment very clearly. It was during worship in church, when the prompting came again, this time exceptionally strongly. I felt God reminding me that I had to share my story, to help others who may be going through similar experiences. It’s no longer about me. It’s about allowing Him to use my pain to heal those who need it. Take a step of faith. Create beauty out of ashes.
I knew right there and then, that I should not, could not, put it off anymore. And so, I went home and started writing.
At that time, I was pregnant with Alistair. Revisiting the entire experience of losing Alexa and having my heart broken was extremely difficult to say the least. Many times during writing, I was in tears. Many times I had to stop writing, to lay my hands on my belly and pray for Alistair. The fear was almost crippling. But still, I wrote. Because I knew that I had to.
And now, every time I hear about how my book has helped somebody, I am grateful.
If you or someone you know have experienced a loss of a baby, I hope my book will be a small token of comfort, to encourage you and to hold your hand, to tell you that you are not alone and that you will be ok.
You can get more details on my book here.