And I jumped and shrieked for joy in my mind. But on the outside, I was still quite composed haha.
In this post, I shared that the hubby and I felt that it was time for us to try for another baby. So we did. But we weren’t very uh, diligent, if you get what I mean. Only once. *tries to be cryptic*
So I told him, well, if we do get pregnant, we are very very lucky. I kinda didn’t really expect to get pregnant from that once, but since we did try, there was that possibility.
We continued life like normal for the next few weeks. I had my period symptoms, but no period.
But again I thought, we might not be so lucky. Even though, deep within, I kinda suspected maybe we were.
Still I put off the pregnancy test, for a few reasons. 1) It’s more accurate when I’m further along anyway. 2) I was nervous. I was nervous about getting pregnant. I was nervous about not getting pregnant. I didn’t know what I want and I didn’t know how to feel about both. Some days I really REALLY wanted to have another baby. Some days I think, maybe we were not ready.
Finally. After being late for about a week, and after feeling hungry all the time, and after feeling tired all the time, and after feeling irrationally irritable sometimes, and after feeling a bit of the pregnancy symptoms (i.e. dizzy when I stood up quickly, heightened sense of smell, other physical symptoms), I decided to just get that dang pregnancy test done, so at least I would know if I could still eat sashimi.
No more sashimi.
Yup. Definitely no more sashimi.
And a few weeks later, we saw its little heartbeat.
I am super happy and am so grateful that God has given us another baby! But almost immediately after seeing that positive line, I was washed over by fear and worry too.
Medically, I am considered a high risk mother. Mentally, I remember having and losing Alexa. Emotionally, I can still feel the pain.
Many around me expect me not to be as worried this time around, since Amy was born alive and well. I guess in a sense it’s true. Every time I look at Amy, I remember God’s promises and assurances. Still, I can’t explain the fear that still grips my heart. I guess the fact remains that Alexa happened.
I laid my hands on my belly and prayed for baby number three, confessing that this baby will be well and healthy, that he/she will develop and grow normally and healthily, and he/she will be born alive and well, and he/she will be a great sibling to Amy.
I wish I could be a carefree mom, chilling and relaxing since this is already my third pregnancy. Oh well. It will no doubt be another battle of my mind throughout this journey, but I will do it. And with God by my side, I will believe for another victory.
If you could pray and confess along with me, I would very much appreciate that.
I’m now entering my second trimester. This being my third pregnancy, it’s really not easy to conceal anymore; I look like I’m 5 months pregnant. But like my MIL said, why would I want to hide? Being pregnant is a happy news! I agree. 🙂
This pregnancy saw the return of my evening sickness. I was very nauseous in the evenings, and many nights I couldn’t really down my dinner. Fortunately though, there was no throwing up. The fatigue was also quite bad. And weirdly enough, every time I thought about social media, I felt nauseous too! Haha! That explains why I was relatively absent from social media for the past weeks.
My cravings went haywire too. I would very specifically want to eat iced desserts, or salty snacks, or spicy food.
Sometimes I would feel a tad guilty for not giving baby number three enough attention, as Amy is more than a handful. Then the hubby said, how would you give baby number three attention??
Well, I don’t know… Maybe more tummy rubs, more talking to baby, and just more daydreaming about baby??
I have been telling Amy that she’s going to be a big sister, and that there is a baby in mama’s stomach. She could repeat that, but I doubt she understands what that means.
I look at her and feel so much love. Then I wonder if I would be able to love baby number three the same. Or if I would love Amy less when baby comes. But a lot of my mama friends have assured me that I won’t. Somehow, I would be able to increase my capacity to love instead.
I love having babies. If only the journey of being pregnant was not so harrowing and tough emotionally, I would love to keep getting pregnant haha.
But for now…
Father I pray for baby number three. Thank You so so much for giving me this gift of life. I pray that baby number three will continue to grow and develop healthily and normally, that this pregnancy will be smooth and free from complications, that baby number three will be born alive and well at full term. Amen.
It was the first Father’s Day without my dad. It wasn’t unbearably difficult, but difficult nevertheless. Initially I couldn’t for the life of me remember how we celebrated the occasion last year, until the hubby reminded me. Then I was grateful, because I remembered that daddy had a great time last year. We were all there with him, and Amy played with him happily. After we went home, he even texted me and said, “Did you know that Amy gave me five beautiful smiles tonight?”
My dad had always been great with kids. He could go all crazy playing with them. Yet he was always ready to catch them if they were to fall. His reflexes were very fast, something he always credited to his mastering of kung fu.
My dad had always been supportive of whatever I wanted to do. Even when he did not think I was making the right decision, he would respect me. He was disappointed that I insisted not to pursue accountancy, but he still threw in all his support when I studied mass communications. He sometimes disagreed with the level of commitment I had put in to church, but he still trusted that I knew what I was doing.
Even when I made mistakes, he was ready to protect me. When I was in high school, pen pals were a big thing. At the same time, there was also such a thing as tele-pals (not sure if that is the right term). I can’t really remember how it worked, but I think you call a certain number and leave some messages, and other people would leave messages back for you. So you keep calling to check the messages. My friends and I were having fun! What we didn’t realize, was that every time we called that number, we were being charged a bomb.
Naturally my entire family flipped when they saw the phone bill. And I felt so guilty. But immediately my dad came in to the rescue. He insisted that I did not know what I was doing, and that if I knew, I would have made wiser decisions. And that was that. No other lectures, no other scoldings. Because of his trust in me, I learned to make better decisions after that.
I know I keep saying this, but oh how time flies! It felt almost like yesterday that I was holding Amy as a newborn in my arms, and now, she is entering her terrible terrific two’s.
We had a simple party with the family last weekend. Amy wasn’t smiling at all for any of the pictures haha. I guess she was overwhelmed by the attention? But I’m glad she liked the birthday cake. She was asking to see it ever since she saw me collect it, and when I finally opened it up for her later in the night, she beamed and went, “Elmo dino!!!!”
She had practised blowing the candles days before her birthday too. On that night, I thought she wouldn’t do it because she was shy, but she surprised me by leaning forward together with me and attempting to blow out the candles!
Well, I am certainly enjoying her at this stage a lot. She is super adorable, and the pace of her learning and picking up new things is simply amazing. She is now able to string sentences together, even though some words are still toddlerese so we sometimes still need to guess what she’s saying. And she gets upset when we get it wrong. But anyway. She’s also bilingual now! The hubby and I speak to her in English while her grandparents speak to her in Mandarin, so she’s been speaking in both languages.
Physically, she’s also getting more agile. She’s been conquering all the play sets at the playground nearby like a champ. I still think she would love going for a gymnastics class.
The era of her climbing all over furnitures has also started, and that has often left me in near heart attack. The hubby though, think it’s perfectly fine for her to learn and explore. I don’t know how I feel about that.
She’s also been quite obsessed with the iPad and YouTube videos. But I kinda console myself with the fact that she’s been watching mostly nursery rhymes, and so she’e been picking up a lot of words and songs. She is able to read her ABCs as well as 123s, and she can recognize colours without any problems. She is also prone to breaking out in songs at any moment, any time of the day. In fact, some times she sings at every moment of the day.
I feel that everything is cute at this phase. She’s been throwing a lot more tantrums in her bid to gain autonomy, but even her tantrums are adorable. Well, OK fine, sometimes I do get irritated and annoyed, so those moments are not that cute. But generally, she makes me laugh all the time.
It’s been a joy to discover her personality and to learn more about her as she grows up. I’m so thankful to God for placing her in our lives.
Dearest Amy, happy birthday! You’ve been nothing but a joy and blessing to mama, and I love every bit of you. I pray that you will continue to have a happy childhood. I pray that you will learn to love, to forgive, to bless, to respect, and to honour those around you. I pray that you will always have the ability to find joy. I pray that you will always have security in your identity, and to have confidence in yourself. I pray that you will always know that you are loved and accepted, and that you will always love and accept yourself too.
Amy is also turning two soon. It is my dream to bring her to Disney World. If we had gone, we might have been staying in such a resort. We might have been playing near the waters too. As tourists, we would have been clueless about alligators. In fact, the hubby and I were at Disney World, Florida a few years ago, and trust me, alligators were never in my mind.
It could have been us.
I simply cannot imagine what the parents must have gone through and are still going through, to have witnessed such a horrific event, to have lost their child. When it was supposed to be their happiest vacation at the happiest place in the world. Their lives are now living hell.
As if not bad enough, comments are once again pouring in. And a large chunk of them are not of grief and support mind you. They are of blame and shame. From perfect parents. Who “would never be negligent with their kids.” Who “would never let something like this happen to their kids.” Who suddenly are experts about Florida and alligators.
I don’t understand, how can these people have the heart to lay more hurt on the parents who have lost their world?
Do they know how it feels like to lose a child? Have they ever had to carry the body of their lifeless child? Have they ever had to make funeral arrangements for their child? Put their child in the casket? Bury their child? And then live the rest of the days in guilt and regret, wishing that they could have done something differently to ensure their child lived?
No of course they haven’t. Because they could do no wrong. But that’s where they are wrong.
Look at me in the eye and tell me that your kid has never fallen under your watch. That your kid has never injured himself or herself.
Maybe you would say that the fall was harmless, the injury light. That’s because you were lucky.
Oh, and if you tell me that your kid only injured himself when he was under another person’s watch, then hear the echo of the blamers and shamers: “Where were his parents at that time?”
The fact of the matter is that sometimes, despite the parents’ best intentions and actions, tragedies happen. Like in this alligator case. So many kids played at the same area before the boy. For over 4 decades. No attack has ever happened. Until this time. The parents wrestled the alligator, but could not free the boy.
And other times, parents make mistakes. We all make mistakes. We are not robots. In fact, even robots fail.
It could have been you. It could have been me.
Just because it didn’t happen to you doesn’t mean that you are a perfect parent. It simply means that you have been fortunate. Give thanks.
p.s.: As for those who are not even parents yet and who are giving loads of comments, I don’t even want to address you. Wait till you have your own children. Then we’ll see.
The news of paedophile Richard Huckle has recently rocked Malaysia. But in all honesty, it is not the only case going on. There are tonnes of predators of children, whether sexual abusers or kidnappers or even torturers and murderers.
Before I became a parent, stories like this sickened me. But now that I am a mother, it more than disgusts me. It grips me to the core and reminds me that I have to do all I can to protect my child. I came across this video of a social experiment a few years ago, and it left a strong imprint on me – on how easy it is for someone to get hold of a child.
I have also heard of horror stories from friends, one being a friend’s friend who held a full moon party for her baby at a restaurant, and as usual, the baby was being passed around to be carried by guests. Should be safe right? I mean, all those who were there were friends and family. But at the end of the party, the baby was no where to be found. The baby was gone.
Sometimes stories like this make me feel so paranoid. On one hand, I really do not want to be a paranoid mom. I want to be relaxed and chill and give my child(ren) space. Yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel that the world is becoming such a scary place, and that it is better to be safe than sorry.
But I can’t be there for Amy forever. When she’s older, I need to equip her with the ability to protect and fend for herself from people like Richard Huckle. How do I do it?
This is another video, recently produced by The Star’s R.AGE journalists. It sent chills through me! In this world of social media, our girls are even more vulnerable to predators. We cannot change the fact that our kids will grow under the influence of social media.
I do not believe that taking away or restricting their freedom is the answer, because, admit it, you and I were kids once, and we know all too well how to go behind our parents’ backs if we wanted to. Plus, the rebellious streak in us would probably push us to do even more foolish things.
I pray that I will be able to build such a strong relationship with my kid(s), that I would be able to teach them and equip them well to face the world. At the same time, I pray that I will also be able to raise my child(ren) to respect others and treat people with dignity and love.