Guilty mom

I felt so guilty.

Amy was watching videos of herself on my phone in our bedroom, and I asked her to pause because it was time for dinner. I told her that we can continue watching downstairs.

When we went down, she was such a good girl at the dinner table. She quietly and happily fed herself and ate up everything! So different from the usual nights where we would have to coax her and chase her around haha.

On and off while she was eating, she asked for my phone, but I explained that her hands were dirty so I would only give her my phone after dinner.

Once she finished her dinner, I gave her fruits and ice cream and she was so happy. We then went to wash her hands, and I was ready to hand her my phone. Since I had to go to work soon, I told her she could watch it for a little while.

But she kinda ignored me and went for her colouring book and crayons instead!

So I thought, OK. Since she wanted to colour, I shall let her colour.

After about 5 minutes, it was time for me to go. I hugged her and said, “Mama needs to go out to work now ya.” She even said a very sweet “Bye byeeeee” to me.

But.

Right after I locked the door and just before I went into my car, I heard her.

“Amy video. Amy video! AMY VIDEO!!!!!!”

I could hear my mother-in-law asking her what was that, but I knew. She suddenly remembered my promise to let her watch her videos on my phone.

Her voice cracked and I could hear her tearing as she continued asking for ‘Amy video’. She ran to the door and looked at me with such a betrayed face.

“Amy video!!!!!!!”

I looked at her very guiltily, and helplessly said, “But mama really need to go to work now…”

She screamed in anger and big tears rolled down her cheeks, and she cried at the top of her lungs.

“Amy video!!!!!!”

She stomped her feet and shook the grill door.

“Amy video!!!!!!”

I was rooted to the spot for a while, not knowing what to do. My heart was breaking because I knew she was referring to my promise since before dinner, that I would let her watch her videos on my phone after dinner.

My mother-in-law told me to just go, and Amy would be OK. I was already late by then, so I had no choice but to get into my car and drive off, with Amy’s angry screams and cries following me.

I felt so guilty the whole night. I felt like I betrayed my daughter. I broke my promise.

My mother-in-law later told me that Amy was really really upset, even after I left. She would stop crying and play, but after awhile she would say “Mama”, and then sounded like she wanted to cry. T__T

When I came home, I wanted to make it up to her by letting her watch the videos on my phone before she went to bed, but she was already asleep! (Unusually early!)

So I had to go to bed feeling guilty T__T

 

Love,

Nat

2 Comments

  1. C November 8, 2016

    Ahhh. Familiar story, except that I was on the “receiving end”, as a kid (quite some) years ago. Nice to know “the other side” of the story, in some sense.

    It’s not easy to be a parent, and you had the intention to fulfil your promise. Hope you don’t feel too guilty; remember the times where you lived up to your promises 🙂

    ps. I’m sorry if you feel offended by this comment. Idk if my comment makes sense :/

    Reply
    • Natalie Sia November 10, 2016

      Haha your comment reminded me of the saying, “We often judge others by their action, and ourselves by intention.” Oh well, it’s a learning process!

      Reply

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